Saint Phil Gramm takes one for the Team!

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

It’s sad when such as Phil Gramm is forced out of the McCain campaign for telling the truth. From the windows of my suburban McMansion or Hummer, America has never been in better shape! Gramm was right in pointing out what whiners Americans have become.

On the one hand we voted in the greatest president in American history, George W. Bush, TWICE. We supported his war for going on seven years. We are polling high numbers for McCain and Obama, both of whom will continue the glorious war for years to come.

On the other hand some of us have unmitigated gall to whine about a small increase in gas prices. SUCK IT UP AMERICA! If you want to have big wars against the bad people, YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO PAY THE COSTS! The same is true of the whining concerning the skyrocketing federal deficit. If you want to continue to spend more and more money on the United States Military year after year, which Bush has done and both Obama and McCain intend to do, YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO PAY THE COSTS!

Then there’s all this whining about health care. I had a hang nail recently. I went to the doctor and he treated me for it. No more hangnail! This is proof that our health care system is working. STOP YOUR WHINING AMERICA!

Then there’s all this brooha about consumer price idexes and the like. Don’t you all realize how LUCKY YOU ARE TO HAVE WALMART! By exploiting low paid labor at home and abroad, Walmart GUARANTEES  “Always low prices!” Stop your whining about the high cost of living America, YOU HAVE WALMART ON YOUR SIDE!

The real problem is this class warfare being fought by this Nader person and others. He wants you to believe that you are entitled to a living wage, decent health care, a fair standard of living and a country at peace with the world. This is nonsense and you know it! If you, my fellow Americans believed any of that, you would be voting for Nader and not McCain or Obama!

Due to all this unrepublican whining I must ask chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee to convene a special session in regards to all this unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!

Here’s some interesting Conservative food for thought:

Repeal the GAS TAX!

“I believe in doing random acts of satire!”
—ClapSo—

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

A fellow blogger posted this yesterday:
Congress Would Like to Punish You For Using Less Gas

It’s good as far as it goes, but true conservatives should now band together and insist on a complete repel of the gas tax. Real conservatives believe in the efficiency of the private sector over socialist programs like government highway spending. The highway system should be completely privatized!

Brilliantly run corporations like Enron, Worldcom, and Countrywide Financial Corp should be set free to bring the efficiency of the marketplace to our highway system, just like they did to the energy, communication and mortgage industries! While we’re at it, we should insist that the government get out of the way of military contractors TOO!

Let’s sell the pentagon and all the bases to a consortium lead by Halliburton and Blackwater. Then they can run the rest of the military as efficiently as they are running the war in Iraq! I’m sick and tired of this commie style operation at the pentagon! Time to set the marketplace free!

Even the democrats have jumped on the privatization bandwagon! It’s official, they’ve sold their whole damn party to AT&T:

There’s lots of privatization going on down in Washington! Countrywide Financial Corp tried to buy the Lincoln Memorial, but they couldn’t get a mortgage.

The following conservative bloggers have the unmitigated gall to whine like liberals:

Drudge

Axis of Right

Beltwaysnark

True conservatives believe in PROPERTY RIGHTS! The New York Pravda um, Times has every right to accept or reject the publication of anything submitted to it! Even if it is written by one of Saint John McCain’s staffers! SUCK IT UP! We have an election going. We have to assure the brilliant Bush lead republican agenda continues for four more years! Whining is an unrepublican activity! Keep this whining up and you’ll all be invited to the next vegan potluck bra burning! Then you’ll have to listen to the Dixie Chicks sing our national anthem!

I understand that the republicans are busy surfing porn on the internets, but I must ask chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee to convene a special session in regards to all this unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!

The “Netroots” Vegan Bra Burning Convention

“I believe in doing random acts of satire!”
—ClapSo—

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

The global warming t-shirted, patchouli smelling, hemp jewelery wearing cult that refers to itself as “Netroots Nation” has had their little annual drunken sex orgy in President George W. Bush’s home state of Texas. I have to wonder where all the drug sniffing dogs in Texas were during this event. It’s clear to this reporter that “netroots” is a code word for the heathen devil weed marijuana! I have little doubt that everyone who attended this event is on the pot!

I’m sure the people of the great state of Texas are happy to hear the clip clop sound of Birkenstock sandals that accompanies the exit of those commies out of their state! That clip clop sound has a real harmony with the flip flop sound made by the “netroots” endorsed vote spoiler Obama.

There was one high point at that event. Honorary Republican Nancy Pelosi stopped by to bless the masses. Some radical group called code pinko tried to shout down the stalwart defender of the greatest president this country has ever had, George W. Bush. “No Impeachment Naners” then went and ruined the moment by dragging Al Gore onto the stage.

My dear readers may remember Al Gore as the 2000 Democrat candidate that tried to vote spoil the greatest president this country has ever had, George W. Bush! Gore’s amateurish campaign failed to garner enough votes to cause Gore to carry his home state! Thank heavens for that. If Gore had won, this country would have lost the brilliant eight years of leadership we have received from the greatest president this country has ever had, George W. Bush!

And we’ll have fun, fun, fun till Gore takes the Hummer away!

This foreign made hybrid automobile driving Gore person has made a bundle lately selling books and producing flag burning, Dixie Chicks concerts that claim to be fixing the mythical “problem” called global warming. It is clear to me that Gore & Company may in future have the unmitigated gall to try to take my Hummer away! I warn you Gore, I am a lifetime member of the NRA! Don’t come knocking at the door of my Suburban McMansion! Saint Charlton Heston and Smith and Wesson defend my home! I hold the holy relic of Soylent green made from Saint Heston’s body in one hand, and a large clip, fully automatic in the other! Don’t come around here Gore!

YOU WILL TAKE MY HUMMER AWAY WHEN YOU PRY MY COLD DEAD FINGERS FROM THE STEERING WHEEL!

That goes double for this rag tag group of petition wielding “road trippers” who have inexplicably managed to get Ralph Nader on the ballots of FIFTEEN STATES SO FAR! I have to hand it to them. They are facing HUGE obstacles put in place by the two real parties, and yet still have met with a remarkable level of success. I must tip my press passed Fedora at these people. If this keeps up, Nader will be on 45 state ballots come the November election.

I realize that the Republicans are in full crisis mode due to the “timetable” flip flops of Nūrī Kāmil al-Mālikī. However I must ask chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee to convene a special session in regards to all this OTHER unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!

WALKING is an Unrepublican Activity!

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

I must tell you, my dear readers. Things are getting out of hand. There are now far too many people whining about the price of gas. There are all manner of screwballs calling for goofy ideas such as “alternative energy” and “conservation.” I for one am not going to fall for these commie programs! I’m a proud American! I drive my Hummer down the driveway of my suburban McMansion to get my mail, then drive back up to the house for breakfast EVERY MORNING!

Some are not satisfied with even the pinko Democrat plan to get us to drive foreign made hybrid automobiles to vegan potluck bra burnings! One such group of radical Che Guevara loving, tie dye wearing hippie freaks are, as we speak, attempting to get you to do the UNTHINKABLE! They want you to WALK! They have started a website to try and con you into taking part in this inconceivable act! Who the hell is the leader of this group, RALPH NADER? If you don’t believe what I say go to the site yourself by clicking on this link:

WALK SCORE™ Find a Walkable Neighborhood

I am PROUD TO SAY MY SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD HAS A “WALKABILITY SCORE” OF ZERO! I live in the REAL AMERICA! The America in which we DRIVE TO WALMART TO MEET THE SHOTGUN TOTING JESUS FOR STARBUCKS COFFEE! I live in the America where EVERYTHING IS BIGGER THEN LIFE, INCLUDING OUR 400 POUND BODIES!

I simply must ask chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee to convene a special session in regards to all this unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!

Jesse Jackson says the N-Word!

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

Well my dear readers, things are getting ugly on the campaign front. Now there’s all kinds of screaming going on over JJ’s use of the N-word. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I speak of Nader, even in mixed company. It never seems to bother anyone much. Maybe I’m missing something, but I can’t tell you what it is. Could it be Nader’s planned increase of the minimum wage to $10 an hour? That would of course be a terrible thing! Working people would have more money to spend and they would go out and spend it. Then the economy would be stimulated and um, er I lost my train of thought…

Anyway, Nader has the unmitigated gall to insist on an end to the war. That would be a bad thing. If the war is ended then less people will die and the USA wouldn’t be spending hundreds on billions of dollars killing people and blowing things up…………..um, er

But anyway, Nader wants to put in place a single payer national health care plan. That would be bad. That would mean the EVERYONE would have health coverage and even poor people would be able to see a doctor, instead of dying on the waiting room floor like that poor woma in Brooklyn, ummmmmmmm

None of that came out right. Both mcCain and Obama are against everything Nader is for. Since McCain and Obama are from the two real parties, they must be right, so Nader is wrong. SO THERE!

Then there’s this silly fight over offshore drilling. What’s the big deal. People can have sex wherever they choose! There are bigger issues. The Bush administration has flip flipped twice on it’s pledge to never negotiate with terrorists. Not only are they sending someone to talk with those Iran guys, they are going to have a poetry reading by the National Organization of Woman in the white house rose garden! Everyone knows that if you let those feminazis in the gate all kinds of things will go on. There will be bra burnings and birth control pill popping. SOMEONE MAY GO SO FAR AS TO INVITE THE DIXIE CHICKS! Next thing you know, there will be a vegan pot luck dinner in the grand ballroom and George W. Bush will be driving a foreign made hybrid automobile! This is too unrepublican for the countries own good!

I realize that chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee has his head up his ass, but I must ask him to convene a special session in regards to all this unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!

Credit Where Credit is DUE!

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

The New York Pravda, er Times has finally reported some good news for a change. The fine folks at The American Enterprise Institute have announced that Arthur C. Brooks will be the new president of AEI. The Times quotes Mr. Brooks as saying:

“With research ranging between prophetic ideas and technical policy details, AEI has always acted as a steward of American ideals of private liberty, individual opportunity, and free enterprise,” Brooks said in a statement released by the AEI yesterday, adding that he is “fully committed to building on the Institutes amazing record of success.”

Who I ask you, dear readers, can quarrel with that? It was such things as the AEI “stewardship of American ideals” that have produced the going on eight years of brilliant leadership offered us by the Bush administration. Mr. Brooks brings a wealth of experience and expertise to AEI. As a professor of business and government policy at a college best known for its football and basketball teams (Syracuse University) President Brooks will make sure that AEI and The United States keeps its conservative game face on!

Alas, a defender of The American Way such as myself can’t let the good news blind us to ongoing unrepublican activities. The Federal Reserve has had the unmitigated gall to announce new rules “barring abusive or deceptive mortgage lending practices.” Don’t those pinkos at the Fed realize that deregulation is the wellspring of the great success that is the record breaking profits of Exxon and other large corporations? What are they trying to do, ruin the Bush lead economic successes? What will the Fed do next, require used car salesman and military recruiters to tell the truth too? What is Fed chief Ben S. Bernanke thinking? There have lately been some troubling rumors on the internets that Bernanke has been seen driving a foreign made hybrid automobile to vegan potluck bra burnings.

I understand that the Republicans are busy getting their full bib and tucker ready for the lobbyist funded shindig being thrown for new AEI president Brooks (this reporters invitation has yet to arrive hint, hint) however, I must ask chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee to convene a special session in regards to all this unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!

Libral NY Times gets it Wrong Again!

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

Those pinkos over at the New York Pravda, er, um Times have the unmitigated gall to cast aspersions on Karl Rove concerning his perceived lack of credibility as an election analyst for the Fox News Channel. The Times seems to feel that the genius who masterminded the two term presidency of our beloved leader George W. Bush is in some way biased. Shame on you New York Times! Everybody knows that Fox News is FAIR AND BALANCED! Stick that in slick willy Clinton’s hash pipe and INHALE!

There is finally some good news on the election front. One well known vote thief has opted out of an election bid. Jesse Ventura has decided not to run for senator. My dear readers may remember that this Jesse person turned a pro wrestling career, in which he was famous for cavorting around in the ring wearing a feather boa, into a one term governorship in Minnesota. Ventura cited an unwillingness to put his family back in the media spotlight as his reason for not running. I think “the body” is just too chicken to run against incumbent Republican Senator Coleslaw and that other guy. You know who I mean, the gay, foreign made hybrid automobile driving, Bra Burning, Vegan Democrat.

That Nader Person is poised to be on fifteen state ballots by July 20th. If his keeps up he will be on over 45 ballots come election day. What has gone wrong with the two party system, in that the REAL PARTIES can’t stop this man from getting on the ballots owned by the two real parties? One has to shake ones head in wonder.

I understand that the Republicans are busy rallying around the president’s brilliant plan to decrease gas prices via increased domestic drilling and production. I realize that this plan is a hard sell given that it will take a decade to produce a one week supply of oil, if any oil is ever found. But I must ask chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee to convene a special session in regards to all this unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!

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Unrepublican Activities ABOUND!

Jan Perry, the Democrat who represents the L.A’s overwhelmingly African American and Latino District 9 has the unmitigated gall to demand a moratorium on new fast-food restaurants in South-Central Los Angeles. That’s as down right UNREPUBLICAN! Everyone knows the corporations like McD’s and KFC have every RIGHT to sell their AMERICAN FOOD anywhere they wish! The fast food industry is the primary employer for the people in district 9. What does this foreign made hybrid driving Jan person expect poor people to do, go to vegan pot luck dinners and bra burnings?

On the election front, this vote spoiler Obama is not content to just attempt to steal McCain’s vote, he is attempting to steal the Republican AGENDA TOO! He has come out with a plan to withdraw troops, maybe someday in the future and also voted to continue warrantless wiretapping. Who does he think he is, George W. Bush? Next thing you know he will be slouching on a lectern and mispronouncing words in an obvious attempt to mimic the greatest president this country has ever had! It’s a shame g’dubya can’t run again, these last going on eight years have been the best this country has ever seen! Just ask the brilliant news team over at FOX NEWS!

If that ain’t enough, Ralph Nader has six percent in a national poll! If he gets to ten percent, they will have to let him in the televised debates. Then there’s this Barr person running around whining that the Republican Party “abandoned” him. All he had to do was be a good boy, and then they would not have had to throw him out of the party!

I realize the Republicans in Washington have their hands full fighting with Polosi to protect their right to Twitter and You Tube. But I must humbly ask chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Commitee to convene a special session in regards to all this unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!

Danger Will Robinson, DANGER!

By Pressmin Spurious,
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

Things get worse and worse on the electoral front! There is now a rumor on the internets that the Ralph Nader and Bob Barr campaigns have the unmitigated gall to demand inclusion in the nationally televised presidential DEBATES! Who do these two vote thieves think they are? We simply can’t have these kind of sham candidates from outside our beloved two party system standing on the stage that belongs to the two real parties!

The RNC and DNC must redouble their ongoing efforts to block these two “candidates” from from their disgraceful attempts to be placed on the ballot in November! All god fearing corporations and PAC’s must pull out all the stops to fund the defense of the ballot that clearly belongs to the two REAL parties!

On the off chance that any vote thief wins the presidential election. Their inauguration day could include such debauchery as the Dixie Chicks singing our national anthem, a motorcade made up of foreign made hybrid automobiles without a stretch Hummer in sight, and a bra and flag burning orgy in the rose garden! The next thing you know, we will be having a vegan potluck dinner in the grand ballroom at the white house!

This reporter respectfully requests chairman Boehner of the house unrepublican activities committee convene an emergency investigation with an eye toward drafting a resolution with the intent of using the military commissions act to intern any and all vote thieves at gitmo. These sham “candidates” are clearly TERRORISTS intent on bringing down our beloved two party system!

This Barr guy is the worst of the bunch, as he is the biggest turncoat since Benedict Arnold for leaving the GOP to run as a “liberterian!” This disgraceful attempted vote grand larceny must be stopped or THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM WINS THE PRESIDENCY!

vote theft leads to full blown co-option

By Pressmin Spurious,
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

My dear readers. As I have been chronicling in this column, our beloved two party electoral system is under full fledged attack! The vote spoilers continue to set the very foundations of our two party electoral system ablaze! Now comes the grim report that Al Franken has had the unmitigated gall to steal the votes that were supposed to go to, um that professor guy, what’s his name…

Anyway, this Franken guy is the crown prince of pinko vote spoilers. He once famously referred to my media colleague, Rush Limbaugh, as “a big, fat, idiot”! Franken has also been relentless in his attacks on the best damn TV news team in the world, those steadfast supporters of the two party system over at FOX! Add to this that rumors abound that Franken is a homosexual and he drives a foreign made hybrid automobile!

This turn of events is clearly evidence that the two parties need meet behind closed doors to craft a strategy that will defend the two party system from these ongoing electoral failures. TSK TSK, for shame on the Minnesota Democratic primary voters! You have clearly been coned into giving your local party over to the clown prince of commies!

It is still unclear to this reporter how this Birkenstock wearing, tofu eating, New York Yankee cheering, effete snob Franken expects to avoid a subpoena from the house unrepublican activities committee. One thing is certain, this is another proof THAT THIS IS THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM CAN BECOME PRESIDENT!