WALKING is an Unrepublican Activity!

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

I must tell you, my dear readers. Things are getting out of hand. There are now far too many people whining about the price of gas. There are all manner of screwballs calling for goofy ideas such as “alternative energy” and “conservation.” I for one am not going to fall for these commie programs! I’m a proud American! I drive my Hummer down the driveway of my suburban McMansion to get my mail, then drive back up to the house for breakfast EVERY MORNING!

Some are not satisfied with even the pinko Democrat plan to get us to drive foreign made hybrid automobiles to vegan potluck bra burnings! One such group of radical Che Guevara loving, tie dye wearing hippie freaks are, as we speak, attempting to get you to do the UNTHINKABLE! They want you to WALK! They have started a website to try and con you into taking part in this inconceivable act! Who the hell is the leader of this group, RALPH NADER? If you don’t believe what I say go to the site yourself by clicking on this link:

WALK SCORE™ Find a Walkable Neighborhood

I am PROUD TO SAY MY SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD HAS A “WALKABILITY SCORE” OF ZERO! I live in the REAL AMERICA! The America in which we DRIVE TO WALMART TO MEET THE SHOTGUN TOTING JESUS FOR STARBUCKS COFFEE! I live in the America where EVERYTHING IS BIGGER THEN LIFE, INCLUDING OUR 400 POUND BODIES!

I simply must ask chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee to convene a special session in regards to all this unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!