Half a Commie Korean Company, trys to Steal Lehman Brothers

“I believe in doing random acts of satire!”
—ClapSo—

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

Things are looking bleak on the financial industry front. Korea Development Bank in Seoul, a so called “state-run firm” has had the unmitigated gall make a takeover play for Lehman Brothers. This is extremely bad news and I’m sure my loyal readers will agree. This is nothing short of creeping socialism and of the worst kind! These are the same Koreans that have dumped those evil hybrid cars on us!

The Red Chinese owned Temasek has made two multibillion-dollar investments in Merrill Lynch, and Red China Investment Corp. has put $5 billion into Morgan Stanley. Those terrorist oil sheiks,  Abu Dhabi, have bought $7.5 billion worth of Citi! There seems to be a fire sale going on, with large chunks of American financial institutions being grabbed up by the terrorists and the reds, and at bargain basement prices to boot! They are making a vegan potluck dinner of our American financial institutions!

How can this have happened? What went wrong? We have had over eight years of the best President, George W. Bush, this country has ever seen! He has been pursuing the noble cause of Reaganomics, just like his daddy before him! He has taken us to glorious war against the terrorist oil sheiks, and now these same sheiks, and the Reds, are buying our American banks? What the hell is going on?

I for one don’t intend to have future need to go to the chairman Mao branch of Pinko infested Beijing Citi bank for a bra burning! Someone need get on this!

I realize the Repulicans are busy trying to explain to McCain that he should know how many houses he owns, but I must ask ask chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee to convene a special session in regards to all this unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!

Pinko Paulson Activates his Commie Sleeper Cell

“I believe in doing random acts of satire!”
—ClapSo—

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

Many so called conservatives were charmed by Henry M. Paulson Jr. There was dancing on the Wall Street when the former chairman of Goldman Sachs became the Bush administration’s third Treasury secretary. Even the greatest president this country has ever had, George W. Bush, was fooled by this communist infiltrator Paulson! I was not so charmed. I knew in my AMERICAN HEART OF RED, WHITE, AND BLUE HEARTS, that this Paulson person was part of the red brigade. I know he drives a forign made hybrid automobile and listens to the Dixie Chicks!

There has been a creeping economic fifth column in our banking system. That fifth column is called Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. These big government social programs mascaraing as “for profit businesses” are the root cause of the mortgage meltdown. Back in the old days, poor people couldn’t buy homes. The reason poor people couldn’t buy homes was because the banks, real banks, wouldn’t give mortgages to poor people.

The reason banks, real banks, wouldn’t give poor people mortgages, was BECAUSE POOR PEOPLE DIDN’T HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY A MORTGAGE OFF! That makes good economic sense doesn’t it? If you don’t have the income to pay off a loan, you don’t get one! Not to those idiots down in Washington! They decided to find a way to give people who couldn’t afford to pay back mortgages a way to get mortgages.

They called their two new socialist economic black holes Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. This made it possible for poor people to get mortgages. The rest is history. We are now seeing the red fruits of this “public/private partnership” that involved the government, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, and other secondary mortgage lenders. WE HAVE AN ECONOMIC CRASH! Now that the crash has come, Pinko Paulson & company have the unmitigated gall to come up with a tax payer financed bail out scheme that is nothing but corporate welfare.

In true conservative economics, as written by Saint Adam Smith, businesses that make bad decisions go BUST. That is what should happen to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac! That goes double for that commie run “bank” called the Federal Reserve that’s being run into the ground by comrade chairman “Red” Barnanke! To anyone that doubt what I say is true, that vote spoiler Obamessiah has given pinko Ben his blessing! There are some that will scream that these commie social programs are “too big to fail”. I say they are too big government to succeed! I’m sure that you, my dear readers, will agree!

I realize that the republicans are busy trying to explain how The Greatest President in our countries history, George W. Bush, got conned by Pinko Paulson, but I must ask chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee to convene a special session in regards to all this unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!

Who the Hell let Vicente Fox into the Chicken Coop!?

“I believe in doing random acts of satire!”
—ClapSo—

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

There are those who have the unmitigated gall to propose that these United States should be diluted with the political blood of the commies from our south and the pinkos from our north. This patriot, my dear readers, begs to differ! This so called “North American Union” is being sold as the next step in “political and economic evolution”, nonsense!

Walmart already gets all the low wage labor it needs from Mexico, and Exxon, BP, etc. already get all the oil they can pump from Canada. Why would we “join” with these lesser countries? I know that The Greatest President we have ever had, George W. Bush, would not support such a plan. But I wouldn’t put it past those Marxist/Leninist sleepers cells embedded in the Congress.

That vote thief Obama has been on a tour of Europe, could he be studying how to kill our beloved greenback, and replace it with a “Euro” type currency? One cleaver artist named Daniel Carr has even minted prototype coins called the “Amero” which I find, by the way, to be very nicely designed. But the symbolism they represent is certainly not to my political taste!

Should these lesser countries wish to join us, they should apply to become states in these United States of America! Why should those lesser countries be made to feel that they are in any way equal to the greatest country on the planet? Don’t they realize we are the country that invented NASCAR and Chia Pets?

It just gets my goat when I hear that there is this crazy plan to sap us of our precious bodily fluids! I’m sure if The Greatest President in this country’s history, George W. Bush, had another couple of years in office, we would be invading both Mexico and Canada, the same way we have invaded the middle east!

I realize the republicans are busy trying to figure out some way to get Saint John McCain some press, but I must ask chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee to convene a special session in regards to all this unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!

Pinko Forest Service Burns a Bra!

“I believe in doing random acts of satire!”
—ClapSo—

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

Those commies at the United States Forest Service are at it again! They have the unmitigated gall to use that ruskie bear “smoky” to spread their unrepublican propaganda! Their latest “psa” which can be seen here is an assault on our right to drive motorized vehicles wherever we choose!

Thank heavens the fine folks at The BlueRibbon Coalition have stepped up to the plate and outed this latest USFS transgression!

Conservatives believe that we should all be allowed to go out into the woods and do as our ancestors did:

IF IT MOVES SHOOT IT, IF IT DOESN’T MOVE CHOP IT DOWN!

I’m sure my dear readers will agree that these are the actions that built our great country! Our United States of America! Where do these socialist bureaucrats get off telling us where we can and can’t drive? We have a god given right to go out into the great outdoors and enjoy whizzing by it at breakneck speed! So what if we rip up some roots here or there. The logging industry is just gonna come and chop it down anyway. My answer to the problem of forest fires is simple:

CHOP DOWN ALL THE TREES, THEN THERE WON’T BE ANY FOREST TO BURN!

I realize that the republicans are busy trying to explain to Saint John McCain that Afghanistan does NOT share a border with Iraq. However I must ask chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee to convene a special session in regards to all this unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!

Saint Phil Gramm takes one for the Team!

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

It’s sad when such as Phil Gramm is forced out of the McCain campaign for telling the truth. From the windows of my suburban McMansion or Hummer, America has never been in better shape! Gramm was right in pointing out what whiners Americans have become.

On the one hand we voted in the greatest president in American history, George W. Bush, TWICE. We supported his war for going on seven years. We are polling high numbers for McCain and Obama, both of whom will continue the glorious war for years to come.

On the other hand some of us have unmitigated gall to whine about a small increase in gas prices. SUCK IT UP AMERICA! If you want to have big wars against the bad people, YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO PAY THE COSTS! The same is true of the whining concerning the skyrocketing federal deficit. If you want to continue to spend more and more money on the United States Military year after year, which Bush has done and both Obama and McCain intend to do, YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO PAY THE COSTS!

Then there’s all this whining about health care. I had a hang nail recently. I went to the doctor and he treated me for it. No more hangnail! This is proof that our health care system is working. STOP YOUR WHINING AMERICA!

Then there’s all this brooha about consumer price idexes and the like. Don’t you all realize how LUCKY YOU ARE TO HAVE WALMART! By exploiting low paid labor at home and abroad, Walmart GUARANTEES  “Always low prices!” Stop your whining about the high cost of living America, YOU HAVE WALMART ON YOUR SIDE!

The real problem is this class warfare being fought by this Nader person and others. He wants you to believe that you are entitled to a living wage, decent health care, a fair standard of living and a country at peace with the world. This is nonsense and you know it! If you, my fellow Americans believed any of that, you would be voting for Nader and not McCain or Obama!

Due to all this unrepublican whining I must ask chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee to convene a special session in regards to all this unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!

Here’s some interesting Conservative food for thought:

Repeal the GAS TAX!

“I believe in doing random acts of satire!”
—ClapSo—

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

A fellow blogger posted this yesterday:
Congress Would Like to Punish You For Using Less Gas

It’s good as far as it goes, but true conservatives should now band together and insist on a complete repel of the gas tax. Real conservatives believe in the efficiency of the private sector over socialist programs like government highway spending. The highway system should be completely privatized!

Brilliantly run corporations like Enron, Worldcom, and Countrywide Financial Corp should be set free to bring the efficiency of the marketplace to our highway system, just like they did to the energy, communication and mortgage industries! While we’re at it, we should insist that the government get out of the way of military contractors TOO!

Let’s sell the pentagon and all the bases to a consortium lead by Halliburton and Blackwater. Then they can run the rest of the military as efficiently as they are running the war in Iraq! I’m sick and tired of this commie style operation at the pentagon! Time to set the marketplace free!

Even the democrats have jumped on the privatization bandwagon! It’s official, they’ve sold their whole damn party to AT&T:

There’s lots of privatization going on down in Washington! Countrywide Financial Corp tried to buy the Lincoln Memorial, but they couldn’t get a mortgage.

The following conservative bloggers have the unmitigated gall to whine like liberals:

Drudge

Axis of Right

Beltwaysnark

True conservatives believe in PROPERTY RIGHTS! The New York Pravda um, Times has every right to accept or reject the publication of anything submitted to it! Even if it is written by one of Saint John McCain’s staffers! SUCK IT UP! We have an election going. We have to assure the brilliant Bush lead republican agenda continues for four more years! Whining is an unrepublican activity! Keep this whining up and you’ll all be invited to the next vegan potluck bra burning! Then you’ll have to listen to the Dixie Chicks sing our national anthem!

I understand that the republicans are busy surfing porn on the internets, but I must ask chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee to convene a special session in regards to all this unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!

The “Netroots” Vegan Bra Burning Convention

“I believe in doing random acts of satire!”
—ClapSo—

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

The global warming t-shirted, patchouli smelling, hemp jewelery wearing cult that refers to itself as “Netroots Nation” has had their little annual drunken sex orgy in President George W. Bush’s home state of Texas. I have to wonder where all the drug sniffing dogs in Texas were during this event. It’s clear to this reporter that “netroots” is a code word for the heathen devil weed marijuana! I have little doubt that everyone who attended this event is on the pot!

I’m sure the people of the great state of Texas are happy to hear the clip clop sound of Birkenstock sandals that accompanies the exit of those commies out of their state! That clip clop sound has a real harmony with the flip flop sound made by the “netroots” endorsed vote spoiler Obama.

There was one high point at that event. Honorary Republican Nancy Pelosi stopped by to bless the masses. Some radical group called code pinko tried to shout down the stalwart defender of the greatest president this country has ever had, George W. Bush. “No Impeachment Naners” then went and ruined the moment by dragging Al Gore onto the stage.

My dear readers may remember Al Gore as the 2000 Democrat candidate that tried to vote spoil the greatest president this country has ever had, George W. Bush! Gore’s amateurish campaign failed to garner enough votes to cause Gore to carry his home state! Thank heavens for that. If Gore had won, this country would have lost the brilliant eight years of leadership we have received from the greatest president this country has ever had, George W. Bush!

And we’ll have fun, fun, fun till Gore takes the Hummer away!

This foreign made hybrid automobile driving Gore person has made a bundle lately selling books and producing flag burning, Dixie Chicks concerts that claim to be fixing the mythical “problem” called global warming. It is clear to me that Gore & Company may in future have the unmitigated gall to try to take my Hummer away! I warn you Gore, I am a lifetime member of the NRA! Don’t come knocking at the door of my Suburban McMansion! Saint Charlton Heston and Smith and Wesson defend my home! I hold the holy relic of Soylent green made from Saint Heston’s body in one hand, and a large clip, fully automatic in the other! Don’t come around here Gore!

YOU WILL TAKE MY HUMMER AWAY WHEN YOU PRY MY COLD DEAD FINGERS FROM THE STEERING WHEEL!

That goes double for this rag tag group of petition wielding “road trippers” who have inexplicably managed to get Ralph Nader on the ballots of FIFTEEN STATES SO FAR! I have to hand it to them. They are facing HUGE obstacles put in place by the two real parties, and yet still have met with a remarkable level of success. I must tip my press passed Fedora at these people. If this keeps up, Nader will be on 45 state ballots come the November election.

I realize that the Republicans are in full crisis mode due to the “timetable” flip flops of Nūrī Kāmil al-Mālikī. However I must ask chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee to convene a special session in regards to all this OTHER unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!

WALKING is an Unrepublican Activity!

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

I must tell you, my dear readers. Things are getting out of hand. There are now far too many people whining about the price of gas. There are all manner of screwballs calling for goofy ideas such as “alternative energy” and “conservation.” I for one am not going to fall for these commie programs! I’m a proud American! I drive my Hummer down the driveway of my suburban McMansion to get my mail, then drive back up to the house for breakfast EVERY MORNING!

Some are not satisfied with even the pinko Democrat plan to get us to drive foreign made hybrid automobiles to vegan potluck bra burnings! One such group of radical Che Guevara loving, tie dye wearing hippie freaks are, as we speak, attempting to get you to do the UNTHINKABLE! They want you to WALK! They have started a website to try and con you into taking part in this inconceivable act! Who the hell is the leader of this group, RALPH NADER? If you don’t believe what I say go to the site yourself by clicking on this link:

WALK SCORE™ Find a Walkable Neighborhood

I am PROUD TO SAY MY SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD HAS A “WALKABILITY SCORE” OF ZERO! I live in the REAL AMERICA! The America in which we DRIVE TO WALMART TO MEET THE SHOTGUN TOTING JESUS FOR STARBUCKS COFFEE! I live in the America where EVERYTHING IS BIGGER THEN LIFE, INCLUDING OUR 400 POUND BODIES!

I simply must ask chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee to convene a special session in regards to all this unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!

Jesse Jackson says the N-Word!

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

Well my dear readers, things are getting ugly on the campaign front. Now there’s all kinds of screaming going on over JJ’s use of the N-word. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I speak of Nader, even in mixed company. It never seems to bother anyone much. Maybe I’m missing something, but I can’t tell you what it is. Could it be Nader’s planned increase of the minimum wage to $10 an hour? That would of course be a terrible thing! Working people would have more money to spend and they would go out and spend it. Then the economy would be stimulated and um, er I lost my train of thought…

Anyway, Nader has the unmitigated gall to insist on an end to the war. That would be a bad thing. If the war is ended then less people will die and the USA wouldn’t be spending hundreds on billions of dollars killing people and blowing things up…………..um, er

But anyway, Nader wants to put in place a single payer national health care plan. That would be bad. That would mean the EVERYONE would have health coverage and even poor people would be able to see a doctor, instead of dying on the waiting room floor like that poor woma in Brooklyn, ummmmmmmm

None of that came out right. Both mcCain and Obama are against everything Nader is for. Since McCain and Obama are from the two real parties, they must be right, so Nader is wrong. SO THERE!

Then there’s this silly fight over offshore drilling. What’s the big deal. People can have sex wherever they choose! There are bigger issues. The Bush administration has flip flipped twice on it’s pledge to never negotiate with terrorists. Not only are they sending someone to talk with those Iran guys, they are going to have a poetry reading by the National Organization of Woman in the white house rose garden! Everyone knows that if you let those feminazis in the gate all kinds of things will go on. There will be bra burnings and birth control pill popping. SOMEONE MAY GO SO FAR AS TO INVITE THE DIXIE CHICKS! Next thing you know, there will be a vegan pot luck dinner in the grand ballroom and George W. Bush will be driving a foreign made hybrid automobile! This is too unrepublican for the countries own good!

I realize that chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee has his head up his ass, but I must ask him to convene a special session in regards to all this unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!

Credit Where Credit is DUE!

By Pressmin Spurious
Intergalactic Times staff reporter

The New York Pravda, er Times has finally reported some good news for a change. The fine folks at The American Enterprise Institute have announced that Arthur C. Brooks will be the new president of AEI. The Times quotes Mr. Brooks as saying:

“With research ranging between prophetic ideas and technical policy details, AEI has always acted as a steward of American ideals of private liberty, individual opportunity, and free enterprise,” Brooks said in a statement released by the AEI yesterday, adding that he is “fully committed to building on the Institutes amazing record of success.”

Who I ask you, dear readers, can quarrel with that? It was such things as the AEI “stewardship of American ideals” that have produced the going on eight years of brilliant leadership offered us by the Bush administration. Mr. Brooks brings a wealth of experience and expertise to AEI. As a professor of business and government policy at a college best known for its football and basketball teams (Syracuse University) President Brooks will make sure that AEI and The United States keeps its conservative game face on!

Alas, a defender of The American Way such as myself can’t let the good news blind us to ongoing unrepublican activities. The Federal Reserve has had the unmitigated gall to announce new rules “barring abusive or deceptive mortgage lending practices.” Don’t those pinkos at the Fed realize that deregulation is the wellspring of the great success that is the record breaking profits of Exxon and other large corporations? What are they trying to do, ruin the Bush lead economic successes? What will the Fed do next, require used car salesman and military recruiters to tell the truth too? What is Fed chief Ben S. Bernanke thinking? There have lately been some troubling rumors on the internets that Bernanke has been seen driving a foreign made hybrid automobile to vegan potluck bra burnings.

I understand that the Republicans are busy getting their full bib and tucker ready for the lobbyist funded shindig being thrown for new AEI president Brooks (this reporters invitation has yet to arrive hint, hint) however, I must ask chairman Boehner of the House Unrepublican Activities Committee to convene a special session in regards to all this unrepublican activity! If something isn’t done soon, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT A CANDIDATE FROM OUTSIDE THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT!